Most days I'm fine - I like to think I take care of myself; I eat well, get as much sleep as possible, I use various forms of exercise (I apologize to everyone I know for how often I have been saying the word, "yoga.") and I drink a lot of water.
But some days, much like Amy Poehler states in her brilliantly relatable Yes, Please, there is a demon telling me terrible, awful things that seem so much more believable than any of the compliments I may receive on any given day.
Here's the thing - I'm not fat - and I don't like using that word. "Fat," is such an ugly and hateful word. I don't care for it just like I don't care for another three-letter, nasty F word used against a specific type of person. (fag. The word is fag)
I know I am not fat but I also know my image of myself is somewhat distorted and I don't know that it ever won't be.
I don't have a tight stomach and my sides are not taught, there absolutely are some handles to love. My stretch marks are not super visible but they are there, where they once were deep and purple they are now pale and smooth. When I stand tall and straight I look just fine.
However, when I don't have the comfort of clothing and am in compromising positions (sex. I mean sex) my tummy is a concern. My thighs jiggle. I have skin that's left from when I once had mass to fill it.
At my heaviest, I was 220lbs and I honestly do not know what I weigh now. I make it a point not to - This is what works for me. At the risk of soliciting concern, I am someone who has struggled with image-based-ED and by not constantly worrying about my weight, in numbers, I have found a healthier and happier way of being.
I've read some articles and listened to some content that is pretty heavy (pun. It's a pun) on this issue lately and I just want to put my current thoughts down. What better place than this blog I promised myself I would keep up.
This is what I look like and this is how I feel. Today is a good day. 
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I didn't know you were 200, Good Girl for all the hard work you put in to get where your at. What an inspirational story! Now let's go to the gym!
ReplyDeleteToday is a rest day - which I have to force on myself these days! 😘
DeleteIn lieu of attempting a compliment, just pretend I said the right thing regarding your beauty, strength and courage. You sound like you're on the right path to stop listening to the demons. Perhaps our paths will cross, and you'll know you're not alone. Thanks for sharing. I should "yes and" here and tell my own, but your victory here today needs to be front and center.
ReplyDeleteI like to think anyone who can relate shares the demon and, more importantly, the victory.
DeleteBeautifully said, understood and empathized. Funny how just yesterday when I saw you that I said how happy and skinny you looked, making this the appropriate place and time to share how much I truly admire you. To me you are beautiful, inside and out, smart, funny, courageous and driven. All things I used to be.
ReplyDeleteMost of my life I was just a little chubbier than all the other girls. By the time I got to high school, after much hard work, I was thin and strong but short which made me "Little Pittle", the nickname I carried, proudly, from the age of 14 through my late 30's...still wearing favored t's and shorts from high school because I could. This was before image stigmas became so globally consuming. When I was younger it was fun. As I matured I was petite and sexy.
Then the age of 40 hit me like a brick wall and I was a speeding Ferrari. Aches and pains I couldn't imagine made me slow down a previously very active schedule of working out DAILY and eating clean. I literally hadn't eaten a potato chip in 20 yrs!
First it was a shocking 40 pounds that showed up seemingly over night. Then another staggering 50 pounds the next year and if that weren't bad enough, another 10 more pounds thought it vindictive to slap me yet again.
And if this wasn't bad enough, I became quiet, intimidated and fearful. I no longer recognize myself physically or mentally. As I near the age of 50, I want nothing more than to be the spunky, spontaneous Little Pittle I once was. I miss her, ironically, with all of my being.
So having now shared this, let me repeat...YOU INSPIRE ME! Stay strong but be vulnerable. Stay on course for what you want but keep your eyes, mind and heart open and alert to everything around you. Truly take in the subtle gifts given in everyday life in the form of friends, knowledge and love. These are MOMENTS. This IS life. This IS improv. Listen, receive, commit, support and never stop moving forward. Never let fear let you become or perform smaller than you are. That is why I stopped playing.
Keep building the community, keep building you, keep inspiring me. And yes, Today is a good day.
:)
Well, Little Pittle, you brought tears to my eyes.
DeleteThank you for that.
I only know the Amy I met 3 years ago and she is spunky and driven. I'm glad to know you and I'm grateful for what you had already put in place in the community.
Thank you so much.