Useless Words

I don't throw the word around. 

It's deliberate and strong. 

I say it because I do it and something beats so loud inside me that to not say it would be like lying. 

I don't need to say it. I want to. 

I don't want to hear it. I want to know it. 

As a writer, I know how useless words can be. 

My Lovely Lady Bumps

Self-diagnosis? 

Cystic acne. 

You can rub your boner now. 

St. Valentine Walks into a Bar

...and he orders a drink. It's called, "You're gonna get your period on Valentine's Day, soooo, you're not having sex and you're going to consume all the chocolate."

Bartender says, "Comin' right up."

Whatever you do - Don't tell anyone

Sometimes I feel like a secret. 

Humble Brog

Mmm, a body image inspired blog entry. 

Most days I'm fine - I like to think I take care of myself; I eat well, get as much sleep as possible, I use various forms of exercise (I apologize to everyone I know for how often I have been saying the word, "yoga.") and I drink a lot of water. 

But some days, much like Amy Poehler  states in her brilliantly relatable Yes, Please,  there is a demon telling me terrible, awful things that seem so much more believable than any of the compliments I may receive on any given day. 

Here's the thing - I'm not fat - and I don't like using that word. "Fat," is such an ugly and hateful word. I don't care for it just like I don't care for another three-letter, nasty F word used against a specific type of person. (fag. The word is fag)

I know I am not fat but I also know my image of myself is somewhat distorted and I don't know that it ever won't be. 

I don't have a tight stomach and my sides are not taught, there absolutely are some handles to love. My stretch marks are not super visible but they are there, where they once were deep and purple they are now pale and smooth. When I stand tall and straight I look just fine. 

However, when I don't have the comfort of clothing and am in compromising positions (sex. I mean sex) my tummy is a concern. My thighs jiggle. I have skin that's left from when I once had mass to fill it. 

At my heaviest, I was 220lbs and I honestly do not know what I weigh now. I make it a point not to - This is what works for me. At the risk of soliciting concern, I am someone who has struggled with image-based-ED and by not constantly worrying about my weight, in numbers, I have found a healthier and happier way of being. 

I've read some articles and listened to some content that is pretty heavy (pun. It's a pun) on this issue lately and I just want to put my current thoughts down. What better place than this blog I promised myself I would keep up. 

This is what I look like and this is how I feel. Today is a good day. 

Lesson Laundered

You can learn a lot about a stranger in just a few minutes. 

You can learn how their day is by responding to, "how's your day?" You're both doing laundry and it's only polite to reciprocate the question. 

You can learn he wrote a song and finished a project he's been working on. 

You can learn he's vague. 

You can share when he, again, asks about your day. 

Now that you know he's actually looking for a conversation you can share actual information. He's an actual person -

Probably high and definitely under 20 years old, that kind of person. 

You can learn that yoga impresses him and he's, "invented a method of focus," based on an inanimate object. 

You can learn that he doesn't know this already exists but his ignorance spawns confidence. 

You will learn he probably finds you attractive because he wants to walk with you. 

You'll learn he does not wait long until he asks if you, "smoke trees," and that he works in the restaurant business.

He'll learn that your boyfriend does too and you'll learn that the word, "boyfriend," bothers him. 

You'll find out he's looking for a web designer for his project - and you'll learn he pegged you for one by the astonished disappointment when you you say, "no," to, "do you do graphic design?" 

Then you'll learn that maybe you're sharing that this is enough, with your body language and tone? 

You'll learn he wants a handshake and then vocalizes the desire for a hug. 

You'll learn that you don't mind saying, "you're being weird," to a total stranger. 

You'll learn that a high, teenage boy is kind of strong when he just decides that a hug is going to happen. 

He'll eventually learn that maybe that isn't appropriate. 

Hopefully I helped teach him something.