Waiter, There's a Lemon Seed in Me...

Good service is so important to me. I don't care if I'm buying a blouse, perusing produce or sipping sarsaparilla (I love alliteration) you should be nice!

I will admit, however, that I believe a good sense of humor is a huge part of customer service. You don't have to be bubbly or sweet and I don't want a fake compliment; just be funny or, at the very least, laugh at my jokes.*

I often test my servers at restaurants. I don't test by ordering an insane amount of food or complicated drinks. I merely like to keep them on their toes. 

As a single gal with many male friends, going Dutch at an eatery was a common occurrence for me. There was always a moment when the server would ask if we saved room for dessert and then the, "are you ready for the check," eyes. 

Finally, I decided I had to make a move. 

In. That. Moment. 

"We'll take the check but you'll have to separate it because he just broke up with me." 

Does the server panic? Spill something? Console me? None of that matters - what matters is how that server responds a moment later when I laugh through the tension and assure them I'm just kidding. 

I've never had a bad reaction to this. Ask any of the guys that were with me...wait, they almost all turned into boyfriends and then turned into ex boyfriends. Don't ask them. 

The uncertainty in that tiny amount of time is so human and so real that it breaks any wall down between us and the person waiting on us. The reassurance when I tell them it's only a joke is intimate and their responses have been positive, relieved and friendly. Inevitably there is an explanation of how awkward they felt when I said that, sometimes even an anecdote about how that has actually happened to them (haha) and always they are more relaxed after. I am a good tipper and this exchange insures I remain one. 

My latest test is much easier to pull off - as it doesn't require a 1-on-1 dining scenario. 

I always order a water with lemon; not because I'm a bougie bitch but because I don't want to be bloated and it makes tap water taste less like pool urine. 

I've heard tap water tastes like pool urine. 

So when the server comes to take the meal order, I look right into their eyes. Very seriously, I say, "I swallowed a lemon seed. Is something bad going to happen to me?" 

So far, so good. I even had my next glass of water de-seeded the last time I did this. 

Good move, server. Good move. 

*my jokes may not always be laugh-worthy but when you're working for tips, all jokes are.